What is separation anxiety?
It is very common for children to become anxious when separated from their parents. Usually starting around six months old, children become more aware of the idea of “object permanence” – the idea that things exist even when they can’t be seen, including people. Most children’s anxiety about being away from their caregivers reduces at approximately three to four years of age.
Young children have no real concept of time, so a separation from their caregiver can be frightening. Separation anxiety is caused by the child trying to maintain safety in new and changing environments. As the child’s confidence develops and they become older it will normally resolve itself. But what happens if it continues? It is possible your child could have separation anxiety, a developmentally inappropriate and excessive fear or anxiety concerning separation from caregivers.
Separation anxiety in early childhood development
Early learning programs are important steps for a child’s development. These programs provide lots of opportunities for children to interact with peers and other adults in an environment that may provide more learning experiences than what the home can. For some children, the new environment and opportunities are exciting and they may literally run towards the experiences. For others, the new environment is scary and can lack the familiarity they are used to. Add that their safe person is going to leave them there, some children can find this completely overwhelming. Varying levels of distress are normal when a child begins new experiences, but it is when the distress continues beyond expectations or does not reduce that there may be a problem.
Separation anxiety and school
Separating from caregivers does not always decrease when a child becomes school age. For some children this transition point can re-ignite separation anxiety. The idea of going to school can be exciting for some, but the reality of being away from their caregiver can be difficult, and this has the potential to interfere with classroom learning. Anxiety may be present before even getting to school. Some children use delaying tactics and refuse to get out of bed, making morning routines hard for everyone.
Tips to help reduce separation anxiety
Separation anxiety can be stressful for everyone involved, including caregivers. Some tips to help minimise separation anxiety include:
Practice separations: include brief separations from your child when they are young. Go into another room for short periods of time to help them understand that you will return and they are okay. Gradually extend the time apart. When appropriate include times when you leave your child with familiar people, such as grandparents or extended family. Start with a short separation and gradually build up to longer times.
Introduce new carers gradually: have you ever gone to a function and not known anyone, and it looks like everyone already knows each other? This is how new environments can look for some children. By gradually introducing new carers into your child’s life it can help to reduce any feelings of overwhelm they might have. Start with one or two carers and slowly build up to more.
Practice goodbyes and create a routine: most children love routines as it establishes familiarity – they know what to expect. Role play with your child a goodbye routine and tell them exactly what is going to happen. A hug, a special handshake, or saying a specific phrase every time can help ease anxiety in some children. Use the routine consistently for the most benefit. Keep the routine short and sweet; when your departure lingers it can intensify the anxiety.
Distract your child: Often in early learning environments or at school there are different activities for your child to engage with. Try to distract them with a new game or task. Playing with them in the new environment can help your child to feel secure.
Make sure you return when promised: although young children do not have a strong sense of time it is important for you to return to collect your child when you said you would. Use statements such as “I’ll return after you’ve had afternoon tea”, or “I’ll be back at 5 o’clock”. Even though five o’clock may not be meaningful for your child yet, and depending on their age, your child might learn that when the small hand is pointing to the five that you will return. Knowing when you will return will help provide comfort to your child but only if you return at the time you said, because it helps to create stability and routine for them.
Try to remain calm: it’s not easy to remain calm when you are worried about how your child will react when you go to leave. Even if you are feeling stressed about the separation try to keep a calm exterior. Take a few deep breaths and relax your face – make sure you smile, even if you don’t feel like it. By modelling calmness to your child, you will be helping them to trust the new environment and people there. Have faith in the staff or your family members and remember your child will be okay. It is unlikely that they will cry for the whole time you are away; many children will calm down before their caregiver has even got to their car. Be reassured that in early learning and school environments your child is not the first person who has had trouble separating from their caregiver.
Recognise that this is temporary: in most cases, separation anxiety won’t last forever.
When to seek help
- Separation anxiety can be debilitating for some children. Often they will miss out on social activities such as sleepovers, sports and parties due to their worries about being away from their caregiver. It might be time to seek professional help if:
- Your child’s separation is more severe than that of children of a similar age
- It has an impact on your family life and daily activities
- It has not reduced after approximately four weeks
- Your child remains distressed after you have left for longer than expected
- Your child is constantly worrying that something bad will happen to their you
- Frequent complaints of headaches or stomach aches are coming from your child
- Your child is exceptionally clingy, even at home.
With appropriate intervention and support, symptoms of separation anxiety can be reduced. If it is left untreated, separation anxiety can continue to reduce participation in daily life activities, minimise the establishment of social connections, and even impact academic achievement.
You know your child best, so if you are concerned about their ability to effectively separate and would like support with this, please contact our friendly team at Progressive Psychology on 0477 798 932 to make an appointment for further discussions.
Jacki Noney is a Provisional Psychologist at Progressive Psychology